DISCLAIMER: Since this is the first ever article on TWM and not many people know my style. If you’re here for super accurate predictions based on super advanced stats, then you’ve come to the wrong place. Everything you read here is based on some basic, easily found stats and stupid shit like the different hairstyles Jorge Alfaro will use or the color jersey Lewis Brinson is wearing. If you’re looking for accurate predictions by people much smarter than me, consider visiting @Fishstripes . With that being said, lets get to some projections.
Philadelphia Phillies
Today Craig Mish announced that the Marlins opening day opponent will the be non other than the most over rated team in baseball, the Philadelphia Phillies. Lets start this by saying that everything on the Phillies besides our sweet prince JT Realmuto, is vastly overrated (looking at you Hoskins). We knew this after last years 105 loss Marlins finished 10-9 against them (Ignore the fact that its only 1 game over .500 and that we got throttled by the rest of the division). The only things Philly is known for besides over rated cheese steaks is their uncanny ability to climb light poles, so good the local government had to intervene.
Last year the Marlins had SEVEN players who hit over .300 against the Phillies and Marlins pitching was far better against the Phillies than any other team in the division. The Marlins also have the biological father of Philadelphia, Jorge Alfaro. He also hit .432 vs the Phillies last year, his personal best against any team last year. Alfaro was so bored of clobbering the Phillies last year that he experimented with a billion different hairstyles and ended with a final product of being a greek god.
The second best hitter against the Phillies is the future third baseman best in baseball. Brian Anderson hit .358 against the Phillies last season and ALSO has an improved facial hair situation. If bald faced Anderson hit .358 against Philly then stubble Anderson is hitting ONE FUCKING THOUSAND.
On the defensive side of things Caleb Smith was the Marlins best starter against the Phillies last year with a 3.60 ERA in a measly 15 IP over 3 starts. Not staggering numbers, but even he knows that. So what did he do? You guessed it, he grew the damn beard. NO ONE is going to want to face this dude who looks like he rips fucking redwoods out of the ground with his damn bare hands. Lumberjack Smith is coming hot this year and he will own the Phillies this year.
The picture is blurry because it was taken from the safest distance you should ever be from an absolute beast like Caleb Smith.
